“The more an idea is tied to your identity, the more you will ignore evidence it is false. People seem to have no trouble finding reasons to ignore the merits of ideas they dislike. To continue to grow and learn, you must be willing to update, expand, and edit your identity. In many ways, growth is unlearning.”
This quote from James Clear, author of the bestselling book ‘Atomic Habits‘ resonates strongly with me. It describes the journey each of my clients is on. Growing by unlearning. Mots people come to me to learn new things and it is ironic they start to pursue unlearn, whether they know it or not.
We Are Our Identity
This may sound exciting but once the gloss of this new idea wears off you will be left with the feeling of how do we go about unlearning? If this is just a nice concept, it isn’t of much value. The difficult thing about unlearning is exactly what James Clear highlights. We are intricately tied to our identity. This is how we wish to be seen and show up in the world. We spend most of our time defending it, so how can we let it go and start to grow?
Starting To Grow
Deciding to adopt a new personality, set of beliefs or values isn’t going to work. Most likely the lens through which we see the world will continue to blind us to new perspectives. We need to develop a new lens and this is where a skilled coach can add tremendous value. They see things we can’t or are unable to see. Early in my coach training I received some coaching from an exceptional coach called Karen. One day Karen asked me a simple question. ‘How are you with mistakes?’ It was a genuinely curious question. I don’t know why she asked but it stopped me in my tracks. Immediately the thought crossed my mind, ‘I don’t do mistakes’. I never dwelled on any mistakes, I didn’t acknowledge them. Wow.
The motivation to change
Unveiling this belief showed me my identity was deeply flawed. Of course I made mistakes, lots of them. As I explored this more deeply, I realized when I did make a mistake I would beat myself up. I was better than that. High performers didn’t make mistakes. I also realized this shaped how I viewed the people around me. With no tolerance for mistakes, what did I think of someone who slipped up?
This wasn’t how I wanted to see myself or treat the people around me. I had to unlearn this habit or belief, and adopt a new much kinder version that it is human to make mistakes. In fact, I needed to embrace my mistakes so I could learn from them. Karen’s question changed my world view and probably my world. Going back to James Clear’s quote, I don’t recommend traveling this path alone. Unlearning is best done with somebody else’s help and perspective. Who is helping you to update, expand and edit your identity?